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.:My true pain:.

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"you useless piece of shit , you don't do anything right , you are nothing worth for anyone , you shouldn't have been born"
"You look like a beast , why aren't you beautiful as other girls instead of ugly as you are "


two quotes which haunt me still the day we call today.
I am usually not so into sharing my vent art , but this is something important..

What has happend? 
I moved out of my house , with help to a couple of friends.  (Yes I am 18 years so it's legal)
my mother has been abusing me , using me to do everything in the house , getting barely food and making me feel like shit everytime I came back from something. She litterally shouted at me said I am nothing good and everytime made me feel like I am the problem in her life and that I ruin her job , her lovelife etc.
Even when I was having fun with people mum knew how to ruin it for me, people have heard the crying , slapping and all that shit.
I have been thinking much about everything.. all the time, ending all the pain, but I am smart enough not to.
Honestly my mind got stuck with it , I didn't sleep, vomitted the little bit of food I got inside me out and couldn't feel better than feeling sick all the time.
My college was neither fun, honestly having people around you who fight about every little thing that happens isn't fun or they keep calling you names.
I mostly ignore hearing I am useless and ugly , but when I slept and had nightmares they hurted right through my heart.
I have been shouting for help , I have been crying for help , but mum's influence of the city I live in is so big that nobody helped.
The police always said that I shouldn't joke so much around or I'lll get myself in trouble. Other people get money from my mother and prefer the money over saving my life... 
I trusted and valued people. Now I am gone suddenly people want me, don't ignore me or anything. Yet there is more hate than love.
Mum's manipulating of people is horrible.. She is acting like she is the victim of everything , while she isn't at all!
She is the one who caused my bro's to leave the home as fast as they could and now me too. Only I had the most horrible way to leave.
I didn't had the chance to take all my stuff with me or finish college. 
I literally only have a little bit of my stuff with me , which I valued or which is neccesary for a human being.
My oldest brother lives in czech republic , far away from home. After reading I left he send me a huge message saying sorry for not being there but work and his health problems are big obstacles at this point of his life. He completly understood me and supported me. But neither he has money to help.
My other brother in the Netherlands , told me he understands me half but isn't with me. I know exactly why since he still gets money from mum and I bet he doesn't want that to go away just yet. Maybe someday he opens his eyes and helps. He as well told of having contact with him to mum , which made my mum spam me with messages , the brother  in czech republic didn't do that, luckly.. So basically I can't trust my dutch bro and it hurts pretty badly.

I have left even my little hope which was in my dog, he was the only one creature who would never turn his back on me. Even mum was mean to him since he isn't always nice to her boyfriend by jumping against him , what her boyfriend doesn't like, or holding his pants because he doesn't want him to leave .
They decided to mostly threw a belt to him, I have felt so much pain seeing it. I didn't wanted them to be like that, so mostly I locked myself away with my dog.
I have let him down too. I hate myself for it soo much.. 
Some people who need my help and I have left  too.. :Some lil happiness at christmas , some chores which they can't do by theirselves since they are too old for it and go so on... I am sorry for all of them.. I hope they will find happiness in another way.
I did things just to make people smile , i got often food for it , but I barely accepted it . The smile of someone you help is the most wonderful thing there is.
It's what I always try to do. Making people happy , making them feel appreciated.. Cause everyone is beautiful and thanks to this cruel world no one thinks that way.
I am especially sorry for my dear waifu to have left her. I still love her much and won't ever forget her. Besides I gavArte her most trust of anyone, she is the only one in the Netherlands who can have normal contact with me on. I feel sorry for letting her down and not exactly telling where I live and all... That might come by time.
I hope everyone of you smile of true happiness. your smiles are the most wonderful things in the world. Nobody can say it isn't. And if they do , tell them that it's their opinion , not the bloody truth.

Mum is basically in the multipal council , got almost to be mayor and everything.. I was proud for her , happy for her. But never happy for myself.
Yet she wasn't truly proud of me. She got almost all power she wants... Yet she is abusing it in a bad way.
I honestly love how my bro described her..It was like he looked right trough my soul and knew exactly what i ment.
My bro is the only family I will see as my true family. We have been through much and of course it wasn't perfect , but we supported each other, the distance just killed it mostly. I will visit him whenever I can.. Hopefully he isn't death before then 

I feel selfish doing this move, but I am not gonna ask anyone to talk to her for me, as she does ask to others since I don't want to talk to her.
The time of me and her is over. I honestly can't talk to her , it's painful.
Besides I still see her in my nightmares and that isn't fun at all, I try talking to her there , doesn't work so well

The police was searching me too thanks to mum , I called them , said I am fine , whatsapped with them and got a whole list of things I need to do now by myself. It's kinda okay.. but seeing the police search for you isn't really something funny. I felt like I was a criminal but I am not. 
Luckly they were listening for the first time... Well partly listening.. At least they aren't searching for me now and leave me alone.

anyways let's say I moved out , am just old enough to move out , feel like a selfish piece of shit and can't yet get the hang of my life.

In this drawing the two words haunting me are the two words written on efil's arm. 
They are not written by her , but written by the people who causes this harm all the time. 
IF you hear every single time you are useless , you are ugly , you are worth nothing etc... yea it sticks.

Further she has a puzzle on her body with missing pieces. Those missing pieces are things I still need to develop and things which I currently miss in my life, things that hurt me and things that I don't know of yet.
The future is mysterious and uknown , we can decide it partly , not fully.
 
And why is Efil naked? Because she is currently opening up to the world and is not hiding her pain. Like I do alot.
I have smiled when I felt like crying , I have hidden my pain long enough.
I just don't know anymore..
If anyone ever needs help with a bad situation in your family or something , tell me.
I would gladly help you..
It's my only talent and the only thing I never have messed up.
And Hopefully I keep it that way.....


you might expect more emotional art from me..
Don't worry I will also just draw the normal sonic/pokemon/anime stuff.


Art (c) poolvosje
Character (c) poolvosje





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© 2016 - 2024 poolvosje
Comments86
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RedRavenRiot's avatar
I ofcourse forgive you for leaving me, I don't really feel left with all the talking and such, and I'm proud of you for taking this step. I've always known it's bad but never knew to this extend, I really hate your mom now. No kidding, I'm pritty sure I will punch her when I see her again, I won't be able to hold in and she deserves it anyway. 

I'll always be right here for you no matter what, I can't wait to hug you again.